There's Always Time on My Mind

Older Chests by Damien Rice. I love this song. So I'll begin this one by sharing some of the lyrics to it:

Papa went to other lands
he found someone who understands
the ticking of the western's man need to cry.

He came back the other day,
some things in life may change, and other things
may stay the same, like time.

There's always time, so pass me by.
On my mind. I'll be fine, just give me time.

I feel like lately I've been obsessed with time. How much of it is left. What to do with it. Numbers and times seem to fly at me on a daily basis. 3 months. 13 weeks. 90 days. 2160 hours. This is the time I have left here in BGSU. And I feel like I have to live my entire life in this time. Why? What makes this such an obsession? Why do I feel like my life will ends upon graduating? It is possibly the most ridiculous thing in the world. Even typing it out right now makes me feel completely silly. And yet I cannot, for the life of me, shake this. Like there is this giant clock ticking above me, waiting to drop a giant guillotine blade upon my head. How odd.

I reflect on this, looking for meaning. Looking for direction. And it hits me. I'm comfortable. Too comfortable. As much as I dislike a number of things about where I am, it's comfortable. It's amazing how we would rather stay in a place we've grown weary of instead of move on to something new and uncomfortable. Because we fear what we do not known.

I spend a lot of my time giving others advice. Mostly because they ask for it. And one of the things I tend to ell people is sometimes to not be afraid to take a trip into the unknown. Yes it's scary, but it's worth it. And here I am not wanting to leave the comfort of this place where I am. And I dislike myself for not wanting to leave. To wanting to stay where I've come to know so well. And so I ask myself the one question I tend to ask others. What would I do if I wasn't afraid. I love this question. It really gets down to the core of what you want. What you desire. And there's a reason your heart desires something.

If I wasn't afraid I would leave. I would take off. Spread these wings of mine and fly.

I've been on edge of late. Very irritable as my friend tells me. And I think I've gotten to the root of it. I'm ready to leave. And I'm scared. I'm scared of leaving everything of I've come to know. More importantly, I'm scared of what may happen if I leave. The people I may lose out of my life. The friends I may leave behind. And I do not want to. But I have to trust that when I finally do, God will bless my path. I have to trust that He will guide my path.

So I have 129,600 minutes until I graduate. After that. Well, I have no idea, but I know that whatever it is, I'm not going to be afraid. And I'll be doing what God wants of me.